oOo 5:06pm oOo

valentines day..celebrated early..grr...stupid v-day..eff valentines day! walkin round skOo seein dis ppl wit rosez and litel stuffed aminals...wish i wuz whunna those ppl..but nOo...psh wutever..ne waise..there's a dance 2dae at our skOo...en i am NOT going...i WOULDA jes tah CHILL haha but no. im jes gonna stay at home. maybe i'll go to the nex whun. yeah. well i don't feel like explainin my day cuz im tOo layzee rite now..haha..kae so yep..L8eR dAyZ!

oh yeah..got progress report 2dae..got sum grades dat wuzn't to my satisfactory..haha..

period/subject/scholarship/citizenship

1. english-A | A

2. pre-ap geog-B | A

3. pe-C | A

4. french-A | A

5. math-B+ | A

6. band-A+ | A

ahh. oh well. its jes a progress report.

oOo 6:01pm oOo

today wuz a sucky day. everything went rong en nuthin went rite. nuthin went as i hoped en everythin i wanted to happen did the opposite. 2dae'z not a happy day. en now i can't change bak time..

it wuz raining 2dae. i got soaked in the rain like i took a shower. it wuzn't a happy day 2dae. at least for me.

4th per-same as alwaise..french..blah..wuts there to say

5th per-math sucks. everything's the same. nuthin changed. but dusn't it annoy wen the same person is constantly copyin ur ((home))work! gosh.

lunch-man o man. the pouring rain..stayed in ms. love's class

6th per-dint go so well either. i really can't make my notes sound rite. iono how to play the trumpet. even more..wha i hoped would happen ((agen)) dint..en wha i thot of en wuz hopin would NOT happen..did! why did the bad thing of my thots come tru? it's not fair. i felt a pang ((haha funny word)) of jealousy.

i wish the God could hear me. i alwaise think he noez wha im thinkin. but if He noez wha im thinkin howcome everythin i hope en wish for dusn't happen? how can i continue to keep holding on..wen i feel like He can't hear me..and is trynna make my life miserable. i noe it's terrible to think of such things..en to think of God that way. but at the moment it's how i feel. nothing's goin my way..en i noe it won't all the time..but couldn't things go my way for once?!

every1 seems to be hookin up...or finding "sum1"..but here i am..left alone. my confusion is nuthing compared to others. but is still of equal amount. it's hard to live life thinkin ur not gOod enuf. for ne1. and that no1 wants u. ever. and that it mite jes be like this forever. im so alone.

they say dat becuz nuthin'z happenin to me rite now..that in the future things would turn out better..en my "relatationships" would last longer. wonder if i'd eva have one.

and as i continue worrying about my "social life" i still have skOoL to deal with. school..it's a big issue..things are a litel shaky.

if only i can get away from everything for at least one day..en have nuthin to think or worry about. that would be great.

oOo January 11, 2003    10:44pm oOo

i jes made a poem..it dusn't rhyme..but it explains me..how i feel..en basically my life as i see it rite now..

My Insecurities

Sometimes at nite,
I feel like crying.
I feel like dying.
I feel the pressure that i put myself thru.
They say that life isn't fair
But no1 understands how unfair it is to me.

It's so hard to keep the faith..
To hold and keep on trying when everything goes wrong.
These insecurities inside me are nothing that i want.
Totally puttin myself down..
Making a big deal out of nothing into something. You don't know what they're thinking.
Always thinking negatively
Hardly ever positive.

My quiet self down'st help me at all when deep inside i know something's wrong.
No1 would know i knew
And i wouldn't get ne credit for knowing the truth.

I feel they are laughing at me
I blew my gOod impression
I feel alone
And there's no1 to help me, except me
And i have to try to keep the faith..
That God is working to make my life better..
For me.

oOo 5:22pm oOo

i could be doin hw rite now but me..bein the stupid layzeeass procrastinator i am...am waitin until my mother en brother get home..hahah...u noe wut i jes realized..did u eva realize that family members mostly end in "er"..: mother father brother sister daughter grandmother grandfather hahaha funny. ne waise. mann it wuz raining 2dae! dat sucked! i don't like it wen it rains en u gotta go to skOoL! errr..it's all stinky en stuffy en crap. i feel all gross. den my hair'z all messed up. i don't feel comfortable wen it rains..unless im like at home yeno...in a dry area. but errr. im havin a litel headache 2dae. iono why. hah. ne waise ok..so yeahh...

1st per-work work work. learned more vocabulary words to further expand my vocabulary. hahaha

2nd per-boredom. and fawk mannn it wuzn't fair cuz like at the end of the period ((towards the end of the period)) ms love asked question en after u answer one u can go to lunch...en fawk man i wuz the last one but i wouldn't have been! its cuzz the one i knew sum1 answered...en wen it wuz 3 of us left...i sed the answer first..even suzanna heard! but nOo! effing bizznitch! and also ppl answered for other ppl! freakin aye! that wuzn't fair! ugh! dat jes got me pissed rite dere. i felt stupid man.

lunch-boring as usual..nutin out of the ordinary

3rd per-ahh thank God for 2dae! we dint hafta go outside! we jes stayed inside most of the period..while she gave us en extra credit assignment ((which i did))...thennn..we went to the locker rooms to put our clothes away den went to the gym to watch the basketball game..well only sum of course...there'z more gurls in the basketball team...thass gOod!

so 2dae sucked. hopefully 2morrow will be better. ne waise iono kae thats all..L8eR dAyZ!